The Authentic Male

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The Authentic Male

Typically, when a couple walks in my counselling office, I can tell within three minutes if there are going to stay together or not. People often ask me is it going to work out with us? Sometimes I say no. But how can I tell? There are three types of couples that walk into my office. All of them as a specific motivation. The first is: I'm leaving, theren't not that much that can be done with this group. I basically help them separate. The second type of couple that comes in because they are not sure if they should be together. Often they will ask, what's your opinion on our success? I'll often say: Zero. The reason for this is because if you have not decided that you want to be together. If you don't know yet? You most likely will not get there with your partner unless there is a radical shift. Marriage counselling is not be people who aren't sure that they should be together. It is for people who have lost hope but still want to be with that person.

In some ways marriage or any relationship is about the time line you want to have with your partner. Are you going in the same direction? Maybe you were but not the two of you hae changed and are looking for something differeent out of the relationship. Maybe you're kids have grown up. Maybe you want deeper sex and intimacy. There are all clients that I love working with, they are easy.

And they are easy because they have the ball, and they want to learn how to play with it more. They have had enough togetherness experiences to say, I want more of this but am not certain as to where to go from here. This is my ideal couple.

This is different from people who have not decided if they can or even want to play together with the other. Often this group might share simliar goals but there old stories (which should be respected) and the beliefs of what they are looking for in a parnter are different. Sometimes this group might want to get to the same place but they soon find the person they are driving with isn't that pleasant. With this group, I'll often deconstruct what they are looking for and see if they are in fact looking for the right partner.

By | 2016-11-30T03:30:09+00:00 July 1st, 2011|Featured Articles, Men|2 Comments

About the Author:

Calgary psychologist and life coach, Heron Free, M.Ed., R.Psych is an author and outside of the box thinker in the fields of personal growth and change. He is the author of The Relationship Code and the creator of The Relationship Matrix and Dance with Yourself training programs.


  1. Johnny Quinteros February 11, 2010 at 10:22 pm - Reply

    Dude, I like this.

    I worked in a Native Healing Centre for men for 4 years. An Elder once told me that the reason men in the native communities are so lost today is because their way of life has disappeared. Their forefathers were born into a free world with clear expectations and roles as men within their communities. The men today, cannot hunt or fish the way they did a long time ago. Their identity and dignity gone. So they have not been able to adapt to the new realities Thrusted into an uncertain, new, ever-changing world without tools from their fathers who have also been lost. Alcohol and drugs are used to numb the pain. Violence is the only way they know how to resolve conflict. The Elder ended his story by telling me that men nowadays, take their women for granted. Women are strong he said. They hold a community and the families together. But the men, in their own insecurities, ignore them and abuse them. The Elder compared the relationship between men and women to an eagle. Each representing a wing. The right wing, is the man. The left, is the woman. The eagle needs both wings to fly strongly. The men, who are ashamed, are unable to help the women. Without a wing, the eagle falls. Both men and women have fallen. One needing the other to survive and unable to exist alone. Sharing the same fate. The relationship between the two needs to be repaired and re-balanced if the eagle is to fly again. You and I both know that that is easier said than done. Of course, he was generalizing but in the native communities, there is a real crisis today.

  2. Allan Cooper April 20, 2010 at 10:00 pm - Reply

    I had a colleague at work do a presentation at work on this very topic as it applies in Social Work. It was very interesting and the response to it by my predominately female co-workers was varied and very interesting too.

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